An old vet who was a commo man in the Army during the last war felt
that he was getting rather hard of hearing. So he decided to use some
aids but the real hearing aid was too expensive and he went to a
hardware store, bought some wire and put it in his ear.
"Do you hear better with that wire?"
asked a friend.
said the vet,
"but the technical side always impresses. Friends talk louder."
In World War I, American soldiers were called
In World War II, they were called
In Korea, they were called
In Vietnam, they were called
In Desert Storm, they were called
Today, they are called
Private Biddies appeared in his unit at last late in the night, but
without his truck he was supposed to drive.
"Where is your truck?"
shouted the commander.
"It's in the suburbs about two miles from here, sir,"
reported the driver.
"Why didn't you bring it here?"
"It's too dark there to find all the parts, sir."
After two weeks of basic training, the drill sargent lined up his
troops and asked them each who they would like to spend an hour with
if given the chance right now. Several soldiers answered thier
mothers, their girlfreinds, etc. Then the sargent came upon a unique
"Private, who would you most like to be alone with for an hour?"
"My *$*^$% recruiter, sir!"
An Airborne Ranger goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool,
enjoying his drink when he hears,
"You look great in that uniform!"
He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again,
"No really, you look terrific with your spit-shined boots and beret."
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears,
"Is that a new beret color or something? Because you are definitely
He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the
the Ranger calls to the bartender,
"What's with the nuts?"
the bartender answers,
Special Forces General Yarborough had a way of getting your attention
real quick. He would enter a theater full of troops and double-time
down the aisle as the troops were called to attention. After he yelled,
"As you were".
he would drop and do 50 pushups and then jump up and begin speaking.
On one hot summer day on Smoke Bomb Hill, the General was talking and
talking until a young buck sergeant dozed off.
yelled the General,
"There's a sergeant sleeping in the front row".
The SGM ran to the front of the theater and reached out to shake the
sergeant awake, but General Yarborough ordered.
"No Sergeant-Major, let him sleep. As long as he's asleep, he's a
sergeant. When he wakes up he'll be a corporal".
Mother with her little son was visiting an exhibition of Army weapons.
The son got interested in seeing an antiaircraft missile system. He
asked the sergeant in charge of presentation:
"An AA missile."
"What's used for?"
"To shoot down planes."
cried out the youngster,
"do let me see you shoot down that plane!"
and he pointed at a plane flying not far away from the place.
Addressing the sergeant the mother said severely:
"Now, don't you shoot down that plane for him until he says 'please'!"
Bragging about old times
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,"
"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap,
conceded the other,
"but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap,
"What was the jingle?"
asked the first.
replied the other offhand,
"just our medals."
Give chocolate pudding
"Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
"No way, Jose!"
"It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the
night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
6. Get rid of all those creepy
"Richard Simmons Wants You"
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours
4. Superiors may now be addressed as
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
1. New slogan
"Army of One"
"Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"
A GI was alone in a train car. All of a sudden, a man broke in with a
pistol pointed at the soldier.
"Fork out your bucks, lad,"
the hold-up man demanded.
The soldier answered in a weak voice and obviously trembling in his
"I haven't got any. All's left in the bar."
"Then why in hell are you shaking like donkey's tail?"
asked the gangster with contempt.
"I thought you are a MP and I haven't got a pass either!"
"You've got a touch of pneumonia,"
said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.
"Are you sure, sir?"
queried one worried man.
"I have known people in civvy street to be told they have pneumonia
but then to die of something quite different."
"You are not in civil life, Samson. You're in the Army!"
thundered the medical officer.
"And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of
Private Smith was brought before the Provost Marshal. The Provost
Marshal asked the MP:
"So you presume the man was driving when drunk?"
"No presumption, sir,"
said the cop.
"I simply said he sat in his truck for three hours in front of an
excavation with a red lantern on the road waiting for the light to go
DISRESPECT FOR A SUPERIOR
The sergeant has been berating a private for a long time:
"Private Milton, your disgraceful conduct is a glaring example of
insubordination and insolence towards a superior!"
"But, sergeant, you've been talking for a whole hour and I haven't
said a word. Where do you see 'insubordination and insolence towards a
"No, you haven't said anything,"
snapped the sergeant,
"but you've been listening in a most aggravating manner, and I'm not
going to stand for it."
The Firing Squad
A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The
evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last
meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was
brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the
man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him,
"Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there
anything you want before you die?"
The man thought for a moment.
"Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but
one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song
from beginning to end, without interruption?"
The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men
to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the
"Ten million bottles of beer on the wall..."
Grinshaw wasn't much good in the field, but he passed his written
exams with flying colors and, eventually, received word he was
qualified for officers candidate school (OCS). His sergeant brought
him the news.
"Well, Grinshaw, I hear you're going to OCS. I'm sure you'll make a
fine officer, and that's the way it should because you'll never be a
SLOW BUT SURE
Two dogfaces were digging a foxhole.
"What made you join the Army?"
"Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the
world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time."
QUICKER THAN THE EYE
The private jumped out of his foxhole and took off for the rear.
"Get down, you fool,"
yelled the lieutenant.
"The enemy will see you where you are!"
"They may see where I was,"
the soldier shouted back,
"but, by golly, nobody's gonna see where I am!"
The philosophical problem of correlation of space and time which has
always occupied the minds of the greatest thinkers of mankind was once
practically solved by an Army sergeant who gave the following order
to a fatigue party:
"You, men, will dig here a ditch from this fence and until dinner
IT DOESN'T MATTER
A soldier asked:
"Isn't it a long distance from this point to the battlefield?"
answered his sergeant,
"but you won't have to walk back".
Father told his schoolboy son to mail a letter he had written to an
the son reported,
"I've dropped the letter into the mail box."
exclaimed the father.
"Didn't you notice that I had forgotten to write the address on the
answered the son,
"but I thought it was a military secret."
Historic Custer battle
Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre
"Custer Closes Out of Town"
"Big Red Victory."
"Indians Win Series"
Women's Wear Daily:
"Feathers Make Comeback"
"Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"
The Washington Post:
"Custer Loses Rural Vote"
How Army policy began
This is Army policy all begins...
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on
a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the
stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches
the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while,
another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are
sprayed with cold water.
Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other
apes try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The
new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror,
all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he
knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a
new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes
it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that
beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs,
or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which
have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no
ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
That's how Army policy begins...
Applying for a job the man said to the personnel manager:
"No, I'm not married, but I learned to take orders in the Army."
An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march.
The man said with disdain:
"When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike."
"Well, I don't think much of it either,"
replied the GI.
Bring some more ammo
The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing
exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively:
"Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself."
reasked the company commander,
"Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."
Soldiers in Heaven
Little Willie asked his mother:
"Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"
"Of course they do!"
protested his mother.
"What makes you ask?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures
of angels with beards."
"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close
New chemical warfare
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class:
"Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy,"
said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
reasked the instructor.
"H to O,"
explained the chemistry expert
Painting shows it all
At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.
"What a great realist that painter is!"
"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."
"Yes, but something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at
"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when
the Sarge announces,
"I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're
going to change our underwear."
The troops start cheering wildly.
"Now the bad news,"
continues the Sarge.
"Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy . . ."
Tough Drill Sargeant
"My army unit was so tough..."
"How tough was it?"
"It was so tough, the drill sergent used to wear a wig."
"What's so tough about that?"
"He used to keep it on with a nail."
What to Do
The young army doctor was stationed at a remote dispensary in the
One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of his patients.
He radioed a base hospital:
"Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?"
A prankster got hold of the message. This was the reply:
"Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything."
War was on and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve
of a big offensive.
said the captain,
"is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is
working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day
after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet.
"My God; the cook's working for the other side!"
Having a Baby
An Army major was conducting a field test when communications went dead.
Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to
the command station.
When the major and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival.
The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook the major's hand.
"Don't congratulate me, sir,"
the major said modestly as he pointed to his driver.
"It was all the sergeant's doing."
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
"The major's wife just had a baby girl."
A GI home on short leave was extremely unwilling to return to his unit
so he had the cheek of calling his CO on the phone to tell him that
illness had caused a delay in his arrival.
"I'm sick, sir,"
he said on the phone,
"I have laryngitis."
"Then why aren't you whispering, Nicholson?"
asked the CO.
"Why should I?"
the soldier was surprised.
"It ain't no military secret!"
Two army second lieutenants were standing on a corner together. All of
a sudden, a dog came over to one of them, lifted his leg and urinated
The soldier turned to the other officer and said,
"I wonder how he knew I was a 2nd Lt??"
It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling
out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
" -- "
" -- "
" -- "
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He
looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over
the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained:
"I have an inferiority complex."
"Nothing I can do for you",
said the doc.
"In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're
A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess hall read:
"Don't Waste Food -- Food Will Win the War."
Beneath these words someone had scrawled:
"That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?"
The General's Men
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One
finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little
late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down,
found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and
now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he
was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came
up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus
but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought
a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the
first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the
General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus
but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess,"
the General interrupted,
"it broke down."
said the G.I.,
"there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get
The Company Sergent Is Briefing The Recruits:
"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,
and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you
know what that makes you..."
Become More Effective
The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization
in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully:
"Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men."
"What is it?"
the officer got interested.
"Two hundred soldiers."
An Army Catholic Claplin was driving on a busy street on base. He wasn't
paying full attention to his driving and at an intersection bumped
into the back of a car driven by a visiting Protestant minister. As
the two clergymen were looking over the damage, a M.P. officer came up
to them, asked a couple of questions, and then said to the Claplin in
his broad Irish brogue,
"So tell me, Father, how fast do you think the Good Reverend
was goin' when he backed into you?"
I'm Walking Backwards for...
One winter morning, an Soldier explained why he had missed Reveille
and shown up 45 minutes late.
"It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped
back two, Sir."
The Officer On Duty eyed him suspiciously.
"Oh, yeah? Then how you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up,"
"and started back to the barracks."
Received from: B.B.
Our Army physical-training program requires us to run two miles every
other day in platoon formation. Being somewhat older than the other
soldiers, I have trouble running faster than a ten-minute mile.
During a recent run, I was finding it difficult to complete the two
miles without stopping, so I raised my hands high above my head to
expand my diaphragm and gain my second wind.
Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me say, "Forget it, sergeant, we
don't take prisoners."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier
would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say:
"That's not it"
and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general
arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist
concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge
from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said:
A young man wasn't thrilled when he received his draft notice and
thought a few well-placed answers could help him fail the physical.
"What do you see on that wall over there?"
"Great! You just passed the hearing test."
US Army private filling out a questionnaire ...
A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence
course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer
been in business?" He thought for a moment, and then wrote, "Since 1776."
Army Food Spoilage Test
Finally, a way to let Army Mess Sergeants know what to throw-out and
what to save!
EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg
is probably past its prime.
MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the
mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be
spoiled -- (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a
EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to
throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.
Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy
and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication
your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT: It never spoils.
LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the
bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is
spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
softball should be disposed of. Carefully. Very, very carefully!
RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the
floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator
is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it's well beyond prime when you're tempted to
discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking,
Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the
average life span of a goldfish. Keep a goldfish nearby your
refrigerator to gauge this.
The Army Private was very happy to be one of the very few lower-enlisted people to be
authorized to live in on-post family housing, as part of a new Army Test Program. He
decided that he would follow all housing regulations to the letter, to make sure he would
be allowed to stay.
During the first snow-fall of the year, he turned on the Command Information Channel on
his cable-TV, and heard the following message:
"The National Weather Service has predicted three inches of snow. The Post Commander has
instituted snow-condition Alpha, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be
parked on the South or East sides of the street."
The Army private hurried out of the house and moved his car to the east side of the street.
One week later, it started to snow again, so he turned on the Command Information Channel
once more. The announcer said,
"The National Weather Service has predicted five inches of snow. The Post Commander has
instituted snow-condition Bravo, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be
parked on the North or West sides of the Street."
Again, the private ran out into the snow to move his car to the West side of the street.
Two weeks later, it began to snow again. The private turned on the Command Information
Channel, but apparently the storm had knocked the channel off the air. In a panic, he
shouted at his Wife,
"What should I do??????"
the wife replied,
"Just leave the car in the garage."
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission.
During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked,
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a
One soldier asked anouther whether he bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
the other said,
"I bought her a belt and a bag."
"That was very nice of you",
the first replied,
"I hope she appreciated the thought."
The other said,
"So do I, and hopefully the vaccuum cleaner will work better now."
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said:
"I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you
are the laziest."
19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man
"why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied:
"Too much trouble, sarge."
A tired soldier seperatered from his unit stumbled into a bivouac.
"Am I glad to see you, Sir"
he said to the officer in charge.
"I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend,"
the officer replied.
"We've been lost for three weeks."
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. The American Army
attach small lights called chemlites to make their jumpsuits visible to the rest of the
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, some of them knocked at the door of a small
cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in
"Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied,
During an Army Reserve unit's annual training, the battalion commander was upset that
evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mass sergeant explained that
because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the field rations to our bivouac
The commander immediately yelled to his driver,
"Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!"
The private took off on the 15- minute trip. Over an hour later, we were dismayed to see
him return empty-handed.
demanded the commander.
"What about chow?"
"It was delicious, sir."
replied the driver.
"I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds."
A newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army was assigned as a temporary assistant in an
administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.
One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to
read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. He figured it meant him too, so
he read and initialed.
A few days later, it came back addressed specifically to him. An attached note read:
"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee."
"Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
Company Commander to Career Private:
"Private you lied to me. You took a 3 day pass to bury your mother-in-law, and I met her
in the Post Exchange this morning".
"Oh Sir, I didn't say she was dead. I just said I would like to go to her funeral."
One Difficult Question
As part of an rank upgrade evaluation a company commander is interviewing a soldier,
"Tell me your choice. I can either ask you ten easy questions or one very difficult
question. Think hard before you make up your mind."
"Ummm, I'd like one very difficult question, sir."
"You have made your own choice. Good luck to you. Tell me which comes first: day or night?"
"The day, sir."
"And how did you reach that conclusion?"
"Sorry, sir. I can't answer that. I said I would only answer one difficult question."
One day while a soldier was home on leave, he took his son to school. When he met his son's
second-grade teacher, she asked him what he did in the service. He told her he was in the
"I think it's just wonderful for any man in the military to work with infants."
Submitted by unknown soldier.
While stationed in Japan I was determined to learn as much of the Japanese language as
possible. As I sat in a bar in Tokyo I asked the bartender how to pronounce various
drinks in Japanese. Casually I asked him,
"How do you say Tom Collins in Japanese?"
"How you say Sake in English?"
That ended my education for the evening.
A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his father asked him what he thought of
"It's pretty good, Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy, but best of all is that they
let you sleep real late in the morning."
During basic training, a drill sergeant asked all Jewish personnel to make themselves
known. Six of them tentatively raised our hands. Much to their relief, they were given
the day off for Rosh Hashanah.
A few days later, in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the sergeant again asked for all Jewish
personnel to identify themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand.
"Only those who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week,"
declared the sergeant.
"Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment."
(US Army Field Regulations, 1861)
The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."
Just Plane Dumb
The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air
strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal.
"I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity."
The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron
of planes heading their way.
"There are many planes coming!"
he promptly radioed back.
"Friends or enemies?"
the commander demanded urgently.
The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky.
"They're flying very closely together"
, he replied.
"I think they must be friends."
Having to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the chow hall, a troop was thrilled to go on
leave and eat his mom's cooking. Every day, she'd serve his favorite meals. The night
before he headed back to base, he said to Mom,
"I'm going to miss this great home cooking."
That's when his 11-year-old brother piped up.
"So are we."
A Division Commander can do about anything he wants and one decided to have the engineers
install a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial in front of his headquarters.
The Division XO stopped to watch the progress and asked,
"What the heck's that for?"
One engineer explained,
"It's a sundial. Sir, the sun will hit that small triangular spike and cast a shadow on
the face of the sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also moves
across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to determine the correct time."
The XO shook his head and muttered,
"Huh, what will they think of next?!"
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army
paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.
"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'"
the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon,
"because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men
"You've got it all wrong, Major,"
an Air Force sergeant replied.
"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be
too dumb to bitch about the salary."
Just before a soldier was deployed to Iraq, he sat his eight-year-old son down and broke
the news to him.
"I'm going to be away for a long time,"
he told him.
"I'm going to Iraq."
the son asked.
"Don't you know there's a war going on over there?"
snarled the leathery sergeant to the private,
"that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die, just so you can
spit on my grave."
said the private.
"When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."
THE ARMY -- THEN AND NOW
Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a 7.62 caliber bullet that killed the enemy.
Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .223 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.
If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.
If you said
people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
If you say
you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.
NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
We put the real thing in the cockpit.
If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.
Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.
Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.
If you don't act right, the commander might put you in a cell till you straighten up.
If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
You slept in a barracks... like a soldier.
You sleep in a dormitory... like a college kid.
You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can
only have one.
If you wanted to relax, you went to the Recreation Center, played pool, smoked and drank
You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.
If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you
The Post Echange had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.
If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal
prepared a bunch of charts.
Now a Major prepares the charts spending hours using Power Point.
Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.
A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.
The New Call for Fire Procedure for the Army of One
Picture troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support,making a cellphone call
and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling the 25th Infantry Division's automated artillery support request
line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources
in the shortest time possible.
For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.
For naval gun fire, please call 1-888-SEASICK.
If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1.
If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2.
If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3.
If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4.
If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5.Press the star key at
any time to return to the main menu.
If you are using a TA-312, remain on the line and one of our customer support counselors
will be with you shortly.
Please select the type of fire mission you would like.
If you would like 81 mm or 4.2 inch mortars, please press 1.
If you would like 155 mm howitzers, please press 2.
If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines,
please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates to complete our brief Advanced
Firepower Usage Survey.
If you would like to request chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the
line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.
Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound
If you need to enter map grid designations, please use the star for a "q" and the pound
sign for an "i."
Please remember to verify your coordinates and that your request may take several minute
You have entered co-ordinates 32364519.
If this is correct, please press 1.
If this is incorrect, please press 2 and re-enter the coordinates. Thank you.
Please enter your battalion, company and platoon passcodes, each followed by the pound
sign. As soon as we verify your passcodes, we will begin processing your request.
If you have forgotten your passcode, please contact 1-800-IFORGOT for a temporary passcode.
Thank you. [Pause] Your passcodes have been verified and your request will be processed.
We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as possible.
Thank you for using the 25th Infantry Division's artillery request support line and have
a nice day.
Reasons why you know that the Army Mission has made an impact on your
10. Last night you had a dream and everyone was using acronyms.
9. You think Ft. Polk is a resort area.
8. You have 3 sons and their names are Riley, Hood, and Stewert.
7. Your baby's first words were Hoowaa!!!
6. Your relatives refuse to write your phone # down in ink in their
5. You have a bumper sticker that reads, I'd rather be packing out!!
4. Your spouse tells you they are going TDY and you immediately think
of ways how to spend the extra money!
3. Your children ask if they can go to the PX while you are on leave.
2. Every time there is a threat of any kind in the world, your mom
calls and asks if your spouse knows anything about it.
1. When you go the PX, your 10 month old calls out daddy to anyone
wearing a set of BDU'S
How to Simulate Life in the Army
1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.
2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you
3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack
sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.
4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog
everywhere you go.
5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of
town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered,
then walk home in the freezing cold.
6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a
trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and
Sundays declare to your entire family that they can't use the shower in order to keep it
clean for inspection.
8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at
random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and
sleep in your hole.
9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud
that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get
down and do push-ups!"
10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day,
then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock
yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says,
12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your
house before 5pm.
13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in
your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and
family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and
14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher
operator, blender technician, etc.).
16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write
down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the
car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.
17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going
anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is
cold outside, don't run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.
18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day,
whether they need it or not.
19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in
your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.
20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get
your hands on.
21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5
hours before drinking.
22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and
randomly lose every 5th item.
23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather
Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.
24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in
the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a
25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them.
27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns and call it a deployment.
28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.
29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your
31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and
sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.
32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the
top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting
positions. Don't let them eat or sleep again for two days.
33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and
34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak
for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to
the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs.
Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot
35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing
on real thick to level it off.
36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family
stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the
end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "block leave." When the
end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to
the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will
be another week before they can go back into the house.
38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13),
get the flu.
39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that
runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep.
Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine
a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay."
40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a
branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.
41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it
fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for
a 12 mile walk.
42. Don't change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your
feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk.
43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your
hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in
your humidifier and set it on high.
44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck
back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your
neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line
everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and
write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.
47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
48. Buy a trash can, but don't use it. Store the garbage in your hole.
49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to "check the
50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at
random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the
backyard and get in your hole.
51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back
52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including
little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these
sketches on a bulletin board for reference.
53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no
matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.
54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout "Enemy in the wire!
Fire Claymores!" Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife
and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.
55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup
around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular "Lost-One,
this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?" Sit there for three or four hours with the
engine running. Say again to no one in particular "Negative contact, Lost-Three out."
Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Males and Males in the Army.
He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)
He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.
The Army had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The IG Office performed an
inspection and gave the following write-up:
"Improper Security. Someone can easily steal from this area."
So, the Army created positions for four MPs to guard the facility night and day.
The IG re-inspected, and gave the following write-up:
"Improper procedures. There are no written instructions for the MPs to do their job."
So, the Army created a planning section, and staffed it with two NCOs, one to write the
instructions, and one to do time-studies.
The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up:
"There are no procedures in place to ensure the MPs are performing their duties correctly."
The Army responded by creating a Total Quality Management section and staffed it with two
NCOs, one to do studies and perform inspections and the other to write and file reports.
The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up:
"Insufficient supervision. There is no definable chain-of-command."
So, the Army created an administrative section, and staffed it with an officer as OIC, a
senior NCO as NCOIC, and two enlisted administrative specialists.
The IG re-inspected, and concluded:
"This operation has met the requirements of the regulations. However, the command has been
in operation for only one year and is already $18,000 over budget. The command must
streamline operations and cut back on unnecessary staffing positions."
So, the OIC eliminated the four MP positions.
Army Football Practice for Army/Navy Game Delayed
West Point (NY) -- Army football practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a
player reported finding an unknown powdery white substance on the practice field. New
head coach, John Mumford, immediately suspended practice while police and federal
investigators were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis by both the FBI and Army Intelligence, forensic experts
determined the powdery white substance unknown to players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the
Go NAVY!!! - Al Nofi (Contributing Editor)
Go ARMY!!! - Dan Masterson (Publisher - Someone has to cheer for them)
The Army Coloring Book
Good Grief! it's actually true! We're now looking for recruits that like to color????
Better use might be as a field sobriety test - if you suspect someone is coming to work
under the influence, just sit them down to this and tell them they must color within the
As if the Army's new TV ads aren't good enough already - the Army now has a new coloring
book on its website to try to lure potential recruits. My personal favorites to color are
the Missile on page 6 and the Armored Reconnaissance Vehicle on page 7. However, you
might be partial to the Infantry Combat Vehicle on page 8 or the Infantry Fighting
Vehicle on page 9. Check it out:
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said,
"All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a
single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said,
"Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road
encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?"
asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
The Tactful Sergeant...
The Captain called the Sergeant in.
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell
him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men,"
says the Sergeant.
"Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your
mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be
a bit more tactful, next time?"
answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with,
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell
him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second
year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused,
"Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but
they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area;
an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in
fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be
able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the
battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater
where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal
Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the
Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet,
something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into
the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley,
accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear; no car was to
enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a
general seated in the back.
The sentry said,
"Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says,
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said,
The sentry said,
"Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in
without a sticker."
The general repeated,
"I'm telling you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said,
"General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, a guy eagerly asked his Recruiter what he
could expect from jump school.
the Recruiter said,
"its three weeks long."
the guy asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys,"
the Recruiter said.
"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?"
the guy asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
Little grandson asked:
"Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?"
"I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep."
When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from
the R/D agency:
"This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle."
Convince these students
An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to
join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls,
whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and
A visitor asked a student:
"Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"
"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!"
explained the student.
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he
were riding a bicycle,"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?"
demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir,"
"I'm freewheeling for a while."
Choose a punishment
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay,"
said the officer.
"All right, sir,"
said the bright soldier,
"I'll take the money."
A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night time exercises. Once, he
was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so the sergeant struck up a conversation.
, the sergeant asked.
The Lieutenant replied,
"No, just a bit apprehensive."
The sergeant asked,
"What's the difference?"
The Lieutenant replied,
"That means I'm scared with a university education."
An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by
"How long has your present employer been in business?"
He thought for a moment, then wrote,
The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her
quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals
An officer reads lectures to a group of soldiers. When he says:
"Water boils at 360 degrees"
One of the soldiers dares to oppose:
"Sir, water boils at 100 degrees centigrade".
"Are you sure?"
"I am sure, lieutenant."
"I'll check it until the next lesson."
The next lesson the officer says:
"Soldiers, make a correction in your notes from the previous lesson: Water boils at 100
degrees. 360 degrees is right angle."
Because of sniper activity, no soldier on one base in Iraq was ever permitted to jog
along the perimeter fence. Smart rule, smarter than some of the guards who worked there.
When a troop told an MP about some joggers near the fence, he asked,
"These runners, are they on foot?"
A soldier who had just returned from Afghanistan had plans to becoming
a greens keeper on a local Country Club once he was discharged. He
applied to a local college for its golf course superintendent program,
but the department chair worried that he might not be up for the job.
"You have to fight the weather, insects and demanding club members."
"Will anyone be shooting at me while I mow the grass?"
asked the soldier.
"Of course not."
"I'll take the job."
As the family gathered for a big Thanksgiving dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make:
He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some
laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs,"
"You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training"
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally
spoke, it was to voice a single question:
"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
"Our Mess Hall Cook is terrible."
"How bad is he?"
"He's so bad, we pray before and after we eat."
An American soldier, a Russian soldier, and an African soldier were all up in a hot-air
balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian soldier put his hand down through the
"We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?"
asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air."
A few hours later the African soldier put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah we're right over my homeland."
"How do you know that?"
asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed.
"How do you know all of that?"
The American pulled his hand up.
"My watch is missing."
Halfway through dinner with friends one night, one fellow named Jim told about his days
playing football in college as defensive lineman.
"Did you play sport in college, Mike?"
Jim's wife then asked Mike.
"I was on West Point's shooting team."
"Offense or defense?"
A group of soldiers began digging foxholes for pending war games. Two privates working
side by side dug their holes to standard depth.
A third man, a corporal, dug his foxhole so deep that only his shovel tip was visible as
he ejected the dirt. Curiosity got the best of the two privates. When their sergeant
passed by, one spoke up.
"Um, sergeant, sir, can you tell us what's with the corporal? He seems to have gotten
"Oh, he'll be okay in a few minutes,"
the sergeant said.
"He suffers from corporal tunnel syndrome."
A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a
proper jump. He told them:
"When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up, you hook up. When you go out the
door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, get in the plane."
After a short flight he yelled
"Stand UP! Hook UP!"
and began shoving the troops out the door. Just after the last trooper exited, the
sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someone knocking on the door. He opened it to
see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked him in the
eye and asked What did you say that Indian's name was?
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece
of paper he found, frown and say:
"That's not it."
and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the
soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge
from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said:
One of a MP's jobs in the Army is to give service members and their families tours of the
demilitarized zone in South Korea. Before taking people to a lookout point to view North
Korea, one warn visitors to watch their heads climbing the stairs, as there is a low
overhang. The tour guide, first to the top, gets to see how many people have not heeded
his advice. On one tour one watched almost an entire unit hit their heads one after another
as they came up the stairs. Curious, he asked their commander what unit they were from.
Q: What's the difference between a Private E-2 and a Second Lieutenant?
A: The Private E-2 has been promoted.
Saved Your Privates
A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.
Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside.
"So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?"
The doctor says,
"Son, we have some good news and some bad news."
replies the patient.
"Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts."
"Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"
"We put them under your pillow!"
Q: Did you hear about the accident at the army base?
A: A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 kernals
Rangers Versus Special Forces: Hostage Rescue
The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special
Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit.
The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a
hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an
anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a
Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?
Forces/Equipment Committed: If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of
120 men with standard army issue equipment.
Mission Preparation: The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and Boots
Inspection, while the officers consulted SOPs and held sand table exercises.
Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing
their combat equipment, and singing cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked
Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their
ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their camouflage, and
conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.
Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour;
all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers
would have sustained light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a
Special Forces Option
Forces/Equipment Committed: If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team
(all SF units are divisible by 12 for some arcane historical reason) however, due to the
exotic nature of their equipment the SF Team would cost the same amount to deploy as the
Mission Preparation: The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for
the team. All members of the team would spend a grueling afternoon at a quality spa
ensuring physical abilities would be honed.
Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per
Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one
third of the team would insist on jumping in HALO.
Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived , the SF Team would cache their military
uniforms, establish a Team Room at the best hotel in the area, use their illegal Team
Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the
locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.
Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and
by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed
confessions); the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their
lives; and all of the women passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially
unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen
all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.
One private asked another:
"How did you manage to get arrested by MPs, Mac?"
"Well, I was out very late on a binge with a friend and he advised me to take off my
uniform and shoes when I got to the barracks, and sneak up the stairs quietly so that if
the sergeant sees me he may think I was just visiting the head."
"Well, when I got upstairs I found I was on top of a bus without any clothes on."
An army recruiter walks up to a wimpy man and says,
"Would you like to join the army????."
The wimpy man says,
"My arms aren't very strong, but my legs are....I'd much rather join the Leggy!!!!"
Q: Where does George Washington keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies!!!!
Training Iraqi Pilots
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Aeroflot v.s. SCUD Missile
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Of course while the details in the piece are inaccurate, the sentiments are not
necessariliy invalid. In the U.S. Army, a pre-Civil War mandate that all recruits had to
have at least two opposing natural teeth (so they could bite their cartridges) was not
repealled until 1944.
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said:
"I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man
"Why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied:
"Too much trouble, sarge."
News Update: Army Unveils New Award
Subject: Combat Briefing Badge (CBB)
Recognizing the need for an award for troops assigned to headquarters units during combat
operations, the Army today announced the approval of the Combat Briefing Badge, or CBB.
"People don't realize that being in a major headquarters can be just as stressful as going
on patrols or convoys," said MAJ John Remf. "When you're briefing that many General
Officers, your career can end in a heartbeat. And it can happen to anyone at any time,
not just combat arms soldiers." DOD statistics note that CSS personnel are more likely to
suffer career-ending incidents in rear areas than Combat Arms Soldiers. "This just
reflects that reality," said Pentagon spokesman LTC Roger Pogue.
The award ranks in precedence below the CIB and CAB, but above the EIB and PowerPoint
The criteria for the award is still under discussion, but preliminary guidance authorizes
the award for 30 days of continuous briefings of officers at least two grades higher than
the briefer without incident while serving in a theater of operations in which the awardee
is eligible for hostile fire and hazardous duty pay.
The Power of Sergeants
Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten Air Force
Officers and one Sergeant. Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven,
they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others.
They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the Sergeant said he would let
go of the rope since Sergeants are used to doing everything for the Air Force. They
forsake their family, don't claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without
getting anything in return.
When he finished his moving speech all the Air Force Officers began to clap.
Moral: Never underestimate the powers of a Sergeant.
You know you're an "Old Soldier" when....
You know what GDP means and still remember where yours was and how long it took to occupy.
You remember when we had tactical nukes and really planned to use them.
You remember spending hours in MOPP4 and doing M256 kits.
You remember when the M8 Claymore and M72 LAW were part of CTT.
You remember when ARTEPs were 36 hours and you had fun.
You remember when Carl Vuono was CG (8th ID(M) and Max Thurman was head of recruiting command.
You know what a Gama Goat and GOER were and could fix an M151A2 to run off one prop shaft.
You remember when the Israelis were bad asses and we all wanted to be like them. (When did that change?)
You remember when Saddam Hussein was our loyal ally.
You remember when Airland Battle was a new concept, and everyone religiously read 100-5.
You know what the "Cap Weinberger Doctrine" was.
You remember when the M16 was a plastic carbine, and you hoped for an M14.
You can remember going to the Club at Graf, drinking, and watching Margaret.
You personally know Margaret.
You know what a "Smokey" at Hohenfels is.
You know the difference between the VRC46, VRC47, PRC77 and VRC160 and the requisite installation kits.
You know what a CEOI is and you can encrypt grids.
You remember when NTC was a new and cool concept.
You remember when it was real cool to go to SAMs or be an OC at NTC.
You remember when as a new LT/CPT you could go out and train your soldiers and not have an OC tell you how
screwed up you were.
You remember battalion commanders and 1SG's who were Vietnam Vets.
You remember battalion commanders who drank, swore and mentored.
You remember battalion commanders who were ruthless about tactics,but didn't give a crap about admin BS.
The enlisted men were having a beer at a cafe off post. When the topic got off girls, they
started to talk about soldiering. Most of them were bitter about being drafted. One said,
"Sure, you know who didn't have to get into uniform, the sons of the big shots! They used
From the next table, a voice said,
"Men, you have it all wrong, I've been in two months and I can tell you that all kinds of men
get taken into the army. My dad's a senator and I'm here!"
The other soldiers nodded and said,
"Well, maybe you're right, Major Brown!"
Several new army recruits were marched by their sergeant to the medical facility to be
inoculated. While standing in line one recruit remarked to another,
"Wow, what an outfit! We have only been in the army for fifteen minutes and already we are
Received from: Charles
As he trained troops at Fort Dix, New Jersey, my brother-in-law noticed that one medic was
hopeless on the firing range.
"You better learn how to fire your weapon,"
he told him.
"All soldiers have to qualify on the range before we can send them to Iraq."
"Then it's okay,"
"I'm not going to Iraq. I'm going to Baghdad."
Dept. of the Army...Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft...Commencing January, 1920
1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.
5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can
reach the motor controls.
6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.
7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.
8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.
11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.
14. Do not trust altitude instruments.
15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.
16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.
17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the
18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn
near the ground. You may crash.
19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for
landing, he should open the throttle.
20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The
result is bounding and ricocheting.
21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.
22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.
23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.
24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with its controls and instruments.
25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.
A soldier was trying to sidle out of camp unnoticed, but was seen by the guard. The guard
asked him for his pass. The soldier said,
"Look, buddy, I don't have any old pass, but that don't bother me none. I'm lonely. I have a
date with my girl in town. I'm fixing to keep it."
The guard stopped him.
"If you try to get pass this gate, I'm afraid. I might have to shoot you."
The soldier shrugged his shoulders and replied.
"I've got a mother up in heaven, a daddy down in hell, and a gal in town. And I'm going to
see one of them tonight!"
A draftee was being questioned by an army psychiatrist.
"What do you think of the army?"
"I love it,"
the young man said.
"I want to wear the uniform proudly and learn all about soldiering. Write that down."
The psychiatrist went on,
"Will you be a capable soldier?"
"Sir, give me a gun and I'll show you. I'll shoot until the gun melts. If I can't get another
weapon, I'll pickup a stick and go at the enemy with that. Then I'll go at them barehanded.
I'll bite them if I have to. Write that down."
The psychiatrist said,
"You sound a little crazy"
"Write that down!"
Lost in desert
Privates Evan and Dai were lost in the desert, and were dying of thirst. All at once they saw
a collection of tents and market stalls in the distance. They rushed into the first and asked
if they sold water.
replied the Arab within,
"We only have custard."
The men went into the next tent and asked the same question.
said the second Arab,
"We only sell jelly."
Perplexed, the men went to the last stall in the market, once again asking if there is any
water to spare.
"A thousand apologies,"
said the Arab,
"We only have sponge cakes."
The men left, disappointed and a little confused.
"That was weird,"
"It was a trifle bazaar."
The story went something like this:
"When you are scared, what do you do?"
"Keep on fightin'!"
"Good for you. And now they shoot off your right ear...what then?"
"Keep on fightn'!"
"Excellent. But now they also shoot off your left ear, what then?"
"Then I can't see."
"Can't see? what school did you come from?"
"Well seargeant, when both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes."
The soldier was being interrogated by an officer, who asked,
"Did you hear the bullet whiz by you?"
The soldier said,
"How could that be?"
"I heard it when it passed me, and I heard it again when I passed it!"
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Submitted By Unknown
"Our sergeant major was of the old school...feared and respected,"
my ex-army friend told me while reminiscing about his 27 years of service.
"He barked his commands in a clipped, gruff voice, difficult at times to understand. One afternoon we stood at
ease, awaiting the sergeant major's next command. An old mongrel someone had named Tiger sat nearby, his tongue
hanging out, panting. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Tiger gave a short, gruff bark. We all snapped to
Submitted By Unknown
It was my first parachute jump, and I was petrified. I'd watched the rest of my airborne troop leap out of the
plane, and I wanted no part of it. Just then, a gust of wind sucked my glasses off my face and out the door. My
jumpmaster had a solution: He shoved me out the door and ordered,
"Go get 'em!"
The young private/clerk's responsibilities at battalion headquarters included bringing the battalion commander a
hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the commander was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he
had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the
None of the commander's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut
the clerk's timeoff by one- third if he continued to produce one-third less than the commander wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the
morning after that.
The commander couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it,"
admitted the clerk happily,
"I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your
A Us cavalry Troop got lost crossing the Plains. They're low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a
tree. They stop and ask him.
"Is there food around here?"
"Well, I don't know, but I tell you, I wouldn't go that way, there's a big bacon tree over that hill."
"A bacon tree?"
"Yah, so I wouldn't go that way."
The troop talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them.
So they went over the hill. And over the next hill a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them
from all sides and took them prisoner, except for the commander, who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and
"There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive."
The old man said,
"Wait a minute."
He picked up his Norwegian - English dictionary and looked through it and then said,
"Oh, it wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush."
Big Max was having his hair styled at the hairdresser's when a cab smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape,
his hair divided with alumimum clips, Max, an ex-paratrooper corporal, raced out to the car and found the driver
The cab driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. Big Max lost no time applying his army acquired
CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscittion. The cab driver recovered consciousness several times, but
kept passing out again.
Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took over, and Max returned to his barber's seat.
"I just don't understand why he kept passing out."
he said to the hairdresser.
"I did everything they taught me."
"Well, put yourself in the other guy's place."
said the barber.
"He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he's waking
up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his check and kissing him. You'd
pass out too."
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear; no car was to enter unless it had a
special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said,
"Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says,
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said,
The sentry said,
"Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated,
"I'm telling you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said,
"General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
A grunt was walking point one day in Vietnam when he heard a voice.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, you will explode a mine."
The grunt stopped, bent down and found a trip wire right in front of him. The grunt was
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross a ditch. Once again the voice shouted:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step you will fall into a pungy pit."
The grunt did as he was instructed, bent down, moved some leaves and sure enought found
"Where are you?"
the grunt asked.
"Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel,"
the voice answered.
the grunt asked.
"And where the heck were you when I got drafted?"
The sergeant was in one of his rare moods as he lectured the recruits.
"Let me ask you a simple question, what is fortification?"
There was no response. Nor did any of the rookies answer when he repeated the question.
Walking up to the new man who looked closest to normal, the sergeant barked right into
"What is fortification?"
The soldier gulped and managed an answer,
"Two twentifications, Sarge!"
A soldier's future father-in-law asked the usual question. They've always gotta ask it.
It's part of the ritual.
"Will you support my daughter in the manner to which she's accustomed?"
"We're moving in with you."
You have to have a physical before you get into the army. A doctor looks in one ear,
another doctor looks in the other, and if they can't see each other, you're in. If they
can see each other, you become an MP.
There's this to recommend army life: You never have to decide what to wear.
When little Reggie was inducted into the army, he was advised to act tough.
"That's the only way to command respect in the army,"
his friends said.
So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging,
being obnoxious and talking out of the corner of his mouth.
"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope,"
Reggie shouted. No sooner had he spoken that a rough, battle-hardened figure appeared.
"I am a sergeant!"
"I am a dope,"
A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said,
"If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".
The cook, very annoyed, replied,
"You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"
said the soldier.
"But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."
When a Army ROTC cadet was kept out of Airborne School because of poor grades, his
grandfather was confused.
"Wait a minute,"
he said to his grandson.
"You're telling me that these days you have to be smart to jump out of an airplane?"
A soldier was standing in the cafeteria line to get seconds on his drink when the KP on
"What did you have to drink today: coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?"
The soldier looked down into his nearly empty mug and said,
"I don't know. They didn't tell me what it was."
Rifle Range Trouble
A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the
target with every shot!
His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face.
"What's the matter with you?"
shouted the DI.
"Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone repair man,"
replied the recruit,
"and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see."
The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third
time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end
of his finger off!
the phone man said, writhing in pain,
"the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
One of the duties of a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new
recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them
down and told them,
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,
"What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison,
"Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Despite his low opinion of lieutenants, the sergeant kept a respectful tone as he taught
them how to bail out of a plane in an emergency.
"Sirs, to open the hatch,"
"turn this lever to the right, then pull that handle."
"What if we don't follow that sequence?"
a second lieutenant asked.
said the sergeant patiently,
"you hit the hatch handle with a crash axe."
"That'll open the hatch?"
"No, sir. But it will keep your mind occupied until you crash."
One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect the class. First up was
Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105
"Two- nine-oh-seven, sir,"
was the reply.
said the colonel,
"don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name,
"Zero Hara, sir,"
answered the private.
A survey filled out by new recruits posed the question
"What motivates you to join the Army?"
One guy answered,
QUESTION: Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?
ANSWER: The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.
Submitted By Unknown
Our son is in the Army, stationed in Georgia. He invited my husband and I for a visit.
After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart,
my husband suddenly said,
"We're getting closer."
"How do you know?"
He pointed to a sign that read:
'Sonny's Bar-B-Q...Tank Parking Available'
Submitted By Unknown
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs,
we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
"Daddy, were you in a war?"
I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped,
"Against what planet?"
Short and baby-faced, a troop named Wiggins had trouble being taken seriously in the Army.
A mustache, he assumed, would fix that. He was wrong.
bellowed the drill instructor after he spotted the growth during inspection.
"What's so special about your nose that it's got to be underlined?"
"Does our mess hall always make a well-balanced meal?"
"Yes, there's a 50-50 survival rate."
Returning home from basic training, a troop was telling his mother about some of the
interesting people he'd met, including one guy nicknamed Airborne.
"Do the guys call him Airborne because he wants to be a paratrooper?"
his mother asked.
"No, that's not it,"
said her son.
"He got that name because on his first night, he fell out of the bunk."
A nurse was doing a database assessment on an elderly man, asking the patient,
"Did you ever have the mumps?"
etc. She ran down the list to the question about scarlet fever.
"Yup, I had scarlet fever, I got married, and I went into the army all in the same year.
Any one of those alone could have killed me!"
A new recuit in Army Basic Training decided to see what would happen if he poked a pencil
into his ear, and sure enough, the eraser end popped off and lodged in his ear. During the
lengthy removal process at Sick Call, the doctor was chatting with him to keep him still
"Didn't your mother ever tell you to never put anything smaller than your elbow in your
"But my Drill Sergeant said that with me, what goes in one ear always comes out the other!"
While serving in Special Forces in Iraq a troop was wounded in action and evacuated to a
U.S. military hospital in Germany. His mother rushed over to see him, arriving in record
time, and was by his bedside when he groggily awoke.
His first words when he spotted her sitting there:
"Oh, darn! I must have really fouled up. My mother's here!"
From an Army Nurse
I was a nurse at the Landstuhl military hospital in Germany, caring for wounded soldiers
from Iraq and Afghanistan. One day, I was tending to a patient who had just been returned
from surgery. All of a sudden, a group of gorgeous NFL cheerleaders, on base for a
morale-boosting visit, paraded into his room.
My patient stared at them groggily, then asked me,
"Am I dead? Is this heaven?"
A military policeman at Fort Hood, Texas, was assigned to the detail protecting Vice
President Cheney when he visited the base. He was issued an automatic rifle, along with
200 rounds of ammunition. That weekend, his mom delivered a Jeep she had bought for him.
Since it was still in her name, however, his superiors told him he needed something
before he could keep it on base:
A note from his mother.
A Army wife arrived home from the doctor's happy and excited, and told her husband
that they were going to have a baby. He was thrilled, until she told him the due date was
November 11. He looked alarmed.
"That's Veterans Day! I'm on parade."
A clerk knew everyone in her small town, but when a soldier walked into her convenience
store, She couldn't place him.
"Are you from here?"
"I haven't seen you before."
He pointed to his uniform.
"It's the camouflage."
I was at work in a military hospital when a young private was brought in. The nurse took his
vitals and information, then told him,
"Don't worry. You'll soon be feeling better. We're giving you plasma."
said, the private.
"I don't like watching TV on those old sets.
"Why are you putting two quarters under your pillow?"
"Those are my sleeping quarters."
A General answers his phone at home on a Friday night. His colleague says,
"We need an eighth player for poker."
The General replied,
"Hold on. I'll be there ASAP."
As he was grabbing his coat and keys, his wife asked,
"Is it serious?"
"It sure is,"
"There are already seven other Generals there!"
Applicants for ROTC at any university are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the
things candidates list is their high school and when they attended.
One prospective officer dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the
dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
A troop was driving to the base one day when he hit a pig. He was just gonna drive away
when he thought better of it and called the police to tell them.
The dispatcher said,
"Thanks for calling us, but don't you go anywhere. It's illegal to hit livestock in this
state. That's a $300 fine."
So he hung up, got in the car, and drove off. When he got to work there was a cop waiting
for him. He gave the troop a ticket for $300. When he asked him how he found him he said,
"The pig squealed."
Heading down the interstate, a CO and his driver's jeep passed through a huge swarm of
gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises as they hit the windshield.
"I can't get over how loud they are."
the CO said.
"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour."
the driver pointed out.
The CO replyed.
"I didn't know bugs could fly that fast."
The long-awaited day came at last when a mother her took two sons to the station to welcome
their father home from the war. One son Harry, who had been very small when their father
went overseas and couldn't remember what he looked like, was watching everything intently.
As the soldiers left the train, they marched past the roped-off crowds. The father was
the first to come by. The mother called to him and he broke ranks to greet them.
They were overjoyed to have Father home again, and everything went smoothly until later in
the day when Harry misbehaved and his dad scolded him.
Harry glared at his father, then turned to his mother and demanded indignantly,
"Did you HAVE to pick the first one you saw?"