Marine Jokes

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During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"

The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

It was the day before graduation in Boot Camp in the Marines in San Diego. The Company Commander decided to have a surprise inspection at one of the top companies on the base.

He pulled up in his car with two MP's and walked to the first group marching toward him. The platoon halted at attention.

The CO then asked one recruit, "Where are you from?"

The recruit replied, "I'm a rebel from Georgia."

The Co then asked him, "What is the eleventh general order!"

To which the recruit replies, "I will walk my post in a military manner, and I will take no S#$& from a Company Commander!"

It was the day before graduation in Boot Camp in the Marines in San Diego. The Company Commander decided to have a surprise inspection at one of the top companies on the base.

He pulled up in his car with two MP's and walked to the first group marching toward him. The platoon halted at attention.

The CO then asked one recruit, "Where are you from?"

The recruit replied, "I'm a rebel from Georgia."

The Co then asked him, "What is the eleventh general order!"

To which the recruit replies, "I will walk my post in a military manner, and I will take no S#$& from a Company Commander!"

A young man who had just recently joined the Marines had lost his rifle on the day before a big inspection by a visiting general. However, being very adept at woodcarving, he set about making a replacement. The paint had just dried when it was time for the inspection. He prayed that his fake would not be inspected too closely.

When his platoon was told to fire in unison, he made all the right motions and figured no one would notice, but the visiting general happened to be looking right at him and saw that no smoke came from the gun.

The general came over and said, "Soldier, you didn't fire your gun. This is an official inspection. You were to fire the gun and then dismantle it for my personal inspection."

The young man was horror stricken but only for a moment and then he replied, "Sir, today is the anniversary of the day that my father died. On his deathbed, he made me promise never to fire a gun on this day. I have kept that oath and I can not fire the gun."

The general was enraged. "I'm going to inspect that gun and then you, boy, are going to fire it. That's an order!" He reached for the gun.

The young man handed him the gun and said, "I pray to the Almighty, Sir, that, for making me break my oath to my dear father, this gun be changed into wood!"

MARINES: 'A Recruit Goes AWOL'

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull some of my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR!"

This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks.

"WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered.

In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself, Drill Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here and take his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character."

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"

The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

Marine Corps Entrance Exam

Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
Name: _____________________________
Signature: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to? (check only one)
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
___ (f) Muslim
___ (g) Irish
___ (h) Buddhist
___ (i) Protestant
___ (j) Italian
___ (k) Southern Baptist

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (check only one)
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton (please print)
Bush : ____________________
Carter : __________________
Clinton: __________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from? (check only one)
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky (clouds)

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (check only one)
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS (please print).

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges (check only one)?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Basic Math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

21. What Does the NAVY do? (check only one)
___ (a) Sail the seven seas and play with inflatable dolls
___ (b) Haul Marines to various fight locations around the world!

22. Who is the current President of the United States of America? (check only one)
___ (a) Usama bin Laden
___ (b) Jimmy Carter
___ (c) Ronald Reagan
___ (d) General George C, Patton
___ (e) Adolf Hitler
___ (f) GEORGE W. BUSH

23. Where do most Marines receive their basic training? (check only one)
___ (a) The White House
___ (b) Camp David
___ (c) Disneyland
___ (d) Nixon's Library
___ (e) Watergate Hotel
___ (f) Santa's Lodge at the North Pole
___ (g) Parris Island South Carolina

24. Joining the Marines is better than:
___ (a) Joining the Army, Air Force, Coast Guard, or Navy
___ (b) Having SEX

25. You are in a Bar and someone insults the Marine Corp., YOU should:
___ (a) Go home immediately and tell your Mother
___ (b) Follow tradition and kick the crap out of them

26. As a Marine you will be expected to:
___ (a) Die for your country
___ (b) Call your mommy when you get hurt

27. There are three (3) branches to the United States Government, they are (check only one)
: ___ (a) Executive, Legislative, and Judicial
___ (b) Army, Navy, Marines
___ (c) White, Black, and Hispanic
___ (d) Protestant, Jewish, and Catholic

28. D.I. stands for (check only one):
___ (a) Drill Instructor
___ (b) Down In
___ (c) D-Day Invasion

29. Advanced Math: You have one pound of Grapes. How many pounds of grapes do you have?

30. Underage Girls and Marines mean:
___ (a) Trouble
___ (b) Angry Fathers
___ (c) Shotgun Weddings
___ (d) Statutory Rape Charges unless your in the deep south
___ (e) All of the above

31. There are only two things that come from Oklahoma, Steers and Queers:
___ I agree
___ I do not agree

32. In war, I must (check as many as apply):
___ Kill the enemy, my creed will be one shot, one kill
___ Yell out, "Hey ya all want to surrender?"
___ Take NO Prisoners, kill them all, let God sort them out later

Test Notations:

* You must correctly answer five (5) or more questions to qualify.

* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.

* Cheating is not tolerated but may be overlooked if YOU currently have the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won the Mr. Universe Contest.

* If you brought your dog or horse with you, please don't bring it into the test room, tie it up outside.

Terrorists in Turkey decided to take some Americans as hostages. They run across two Sailors and a Marine on Shore Leave. In the course of tieing them up one of the terrorist's mask slips off. He asks one of the Sailors, "Did you see my face?"

The Sailor answers yes, and the terrorist shoots him. Then the terrorist turns to the second Sailor. "Did you see my face?"

"No, but the MARINE did..."

Fellow Republican

A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent!

After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go, sir."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, sir, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"

THE Marine Corps Version of Genesis 1

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God.

In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away.)

On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "Wild-Blue-Yonder Wonders."

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.

But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labors, and in His divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called Marine. And these Marines, who God had created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them evening and dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things... so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly. And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing: He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally God satisfied Himself in knowing that, well... not everybody can be a Marine!

Marine Jokes

Q- Why do marines think they are better than everyone else?

A- "'Cause R ooniforms R more perttier."

Q- What happens to a soldier when he starts to believe his own B.S.?

A- He becomes a marine.

Q- Why do the marines have the lowest intelligence test entry standards of all the services?

A- Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Q- How do you get rid of a bunch of marines?

A- Easy, just tell them that CNN is two blocks over.

US Marine Corps. oath of enlistment:

I, (state your name), swear...duhhh...high and tight...(grunt) cammies...uhhh...perty uniform...air force women...OORAH! So help me corps.

_________________________

(Make your mark and have someone sign it for you)

This is an actual e-mail from a senior watch officer monitoring the battle in Fallujah...

Gents,

There is a legitimate, credentialed, Iraqi Reporter named Fathi Ghanim Al Iraqia attached with 4th BN, 1st Bde of the Iraqi forces (with 6th Plt?).

Earlier today he took some pictures of 4th BN Iraqi wounded. The Iraqi soldiers he was with took exception to him doing this. He says he deleted the photos from his camera, but the Iraqi soldiers were still incensed and locked him in a closet somewhere in their zone.

He is calling the MEF PAO on his cell phone from the closet.

We need to get him released.

Please get a hold of the LNO there and work the issue. Let us know your progress and when you find him.

Semper Fidelis,

A Marine In Hell

A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: "What's the problem, you look depressed?"

Marine: "Well, what do you think? I'm in hell."

Counselor: "Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?"

Marine: "Of course I do. I'm a Marine."

Counselor: "Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?"

Marine: "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Counselor: "You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you like to fight?"

Marine: "Of course I do. I'm a Marine!"

Counselor: "You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?"

Marine: "Show me a Marine who doesn't!"

Counselor: "You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?"

Marine: "Of course, not! I'm a Marine!"

Counselor: "Oh (grimaces), you're going to hate Fridays."

What the Rangers Think of the Marines

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?"

"Boy, would I!," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.

The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier's chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?"

The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?"

The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat!"

Marine Bumper Stickers

Save water, shower with a Marine.

Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.

USMC: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.

When in doubt, empty the magazine.

To err is human, to forgive is divine, however neither is Marine Corps policy.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.

Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?

All men are created equal, then some become Marines.

It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.

U.S. Marines: Travel agents to Allah.

First Iraq, then France.

"We're Marines, we took Iwo Jima, Baghdad ain't shit." (Gen. Kelly)

It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.

Sergeants think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.

Hello, Senator Kennedy

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

There's Something about a Gunny . . . .

One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess.

When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded.

They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate.

At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant's conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning.

At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

What Does That Shirt Say?

An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says "Marines suck".

Sure enough, two marines walk up. One of the Marines says, "WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!"

So the Army guy responds, "Thats the first thing I hate about Marines, they cant read."

The other Marine growles, "What did you say!?!"

The Army guy responds, "Thats the second thing I hate about Marines, they cant hear."

Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside.

Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed. The bartender askes what happened to the two Marines.

The army guy responds, "Thats the third thing I hate about Marines, they bring knives to gunfights."

Non-Agressive Marine

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili."

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end."

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the butt," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the butt. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., a squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, they realized they'd lost their map. The patrol navigator informed them, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."

A former Marine who worked for The United Parcel Service and his wife bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears...one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress.

"See, Son?" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy."

The boy's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"

In Marine Corps basic training, the recruits soon learned that everything they used actually belonged to the drill instructor. For instance, he refers to the stuff in their footlockers as "my trash," and to the racks they slept in as "my racks."

One time when they were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head calls," the drill instructor must have overheard them. To their surprise, he suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?!"

When an ex-Marine was at his daughter-in-law's house, her six-year-old neighbor came by to play with her kids. She asked her if she knew who he was. She looked up at him with her big blue eyes and said, "I don't remember what his name is, but I know he used to be a submarine."

Rick, fresh out of the Army, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, the other two we interveiwed were ex-marines and you were the closest."

~DIRTY MAGAZINES~

A Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late. He said dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.

She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at their previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something so trivial.

The husband calmly listened to her gripes and then explained, "Dirty magazines: The clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

When asked to describe what it's like to serve in the desert at the Marine base in Twentynine Palms, California, one Marine replied,

"It's one big ashtray, and our butts are sitting in it."

An old Sailor and an old Fleet Marine were sitting in the Legion Club arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps", the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. 'Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire-fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah" said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "Lucky you, all shore duty, huh?"

Submitted: Unknown

During a public demonstration of military armor, a couple of college students asked to take a photo with me by my M1A1 Abrams tank. "What's your name?" one girl asked.

"Lance Corporal Schober."

She shook my hand and said, "Thank you for showing us the tank, Lance."

Submited By Unknown

After finishing his meal, my grandfather, a retired Marine captain, asked the waitress for the 15 percent discount the restaurant offered veterans. "Do you need to see my military ID?" he asked.

"That's all right," she said. "I know you were in the military. I can tell by your T-shirt."

Grandpa's shirt read "Welcome to Gettysburg National Military Park."

Submitted By Unknown

My five-year-old grandson was looking through some old photos when he noticed his grandfather in his Marine dress blues. "What kind of costume is that?" he asked.

"That's not a costume," his grandfather growled. "Men have died for that uniform."

The boy looked up and said, "So you stole it, then?"

On March 20, 1779, Captain William Jones, commander of the Marine detachment aboard the Providence, placed an ad in the Providence Gazette:

"The Continental ship Providence, now lying at Boston, is bound on a short cruise, immediately; a few good men are wanted to make up her complement."

The famous phrase proved an effective recruiting slogan. The Providence set sail in June and, sailing east, encountered a convoy of British ships from Jamaica. The Providence took 11 prizes. After this cruise, Jones and his detachment were taken off the Providence in Charleston, South Carolina, in December 1779 to help man artillery batteries against an anticipated British assault on the city. Jones was captured in May 1780 when Charleston surrendered to the British and later paroled. He spent the final years of the American Revolution working in his family's hardware store in Providence, Rhode Island, but his advertisement had given the Marines one of their most famous descriptions.

Marine Corps Close Ground Support

Recently, a Marine Corps Harrier Squadron was invited to attend the annual Air Force Red Flag exercised at Nellis Air Force Base, NV. This is one of the USAF's big exercises where they test Combined Arms employment of tactical air assets. The USAF F-15 pilots showed up on the ramp with dozens of rear echelon airman types and tons of equipment such as Ground Power Units, Accessory Power Units, Hummers, Trucks, Air Conditioners, etc. The Marines appeared ready to operate in a combat environment and showed up with only their Harriers. The Air Force commander commented to the Marine commander:

"Where is all your support stuff? Geezz, you guys really are just Grunts that know how to fly."

Not wanting to disappoint the Air Force commander, the Marine commander got an idea of his own to carry on the comment. He talked to his First Sergeant and later that night, the First Sergeant had his Marines make up bayonet studs on hose clamps. You see, there is a Pitot tube sticking out of the nose of a Harrier. In the late hours of darkness, the First Sergeant had the clamp with the bayonet stud tightened onto the Pitot tubes of each Harrier.

The next morning, the Air Force pilots fell out on the ramp in front of their F-15s. The Marine pilots fell out on the other side of the ramp in front of their Harriers. Each Marine pilot had on his deuce gear with a bayonet in the scabbard. The USAF commander ordered his pilots to "man your planes." The USAF ground crews by the dozens scrambled to their trucks, APU's, GPU's, etc. and the pilots ran to their planes. The Marine commander ordered his Marines to "Fix Bayonets."

Each pilot ran to the front of their Harrier and fixed his bayonet on the stud attached to the Pitot tube. The Marine commander then ordered "CHARGE" and the Marines jumped in their Harriers, dusted airborne, and flew off. The Marine commander turned to the USAF commander and said;

"Now that is what we Marines consider Close Ground Support."

Army Ranger, Marines and crocodile shoes....

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

BLOODSHED

The first reveille at a Marine Corps boot camp was a nightmare for boots. But they finally managed to dress and line up. The sergeant was going at them a tongue-lashing for being so slow and sloppy, when a still undressed figure slithered into line. The sergeant stormed over and glared into the boy's cut and bleeding face. "Soldier," began the sergeant in a quiet voice of controlled frustration, "did it take you all this time to shave?"

"Yes, sir," replied the recruit, "the blood kept washing off the lather."

Military Time

Listening to the base radio station one day, everyone heard the following announcement:

"For you civilians, the time is 4 o'clock p.m. For you Army and Air Force personnel, the time is 16:00 hours. For the Navy personnel, it is now 8 bells. And for you Marines, the big hand is on the..."

Good Trade

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out

"Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Old Habits

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating out of the discarded cans and jars.

"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed. "You'll eat in the mess hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!"

Marines

Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?

A. Platoon

Q. Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?

A. So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!

Wear My Hat

A Marine walks in to the head. A little boy who was on his way out looks at him, smiles, and asks, "Are you a REAL Marine?"

The Marine replies, "Why yes I am son... Say - you want to wear my hat?"

The boy replies, "Sure mister!", and put the hat on his head. As the Marine entered a stall the boy placed himself on "guard duty" by the door. Shortly, a Sailor entered the head.

The little boy again looked up, smiled, and asked, "Are you a REAL Sailor?"

The Sailor replied, "Why yes I am... You wanna shine my shoes?"

The little boy quickly took the hat off his head and said, "Oh no - I'm not a real Marine - I'm just wearing his hat!"

A Marine on shore leave is walking down the street and sees a Sailor jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".

The Marine asks the Sailor, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"

The Sailor says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out."

The Marine thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."

The Sailor lifts the manhole cover, the Marine steps into the manhole, and the Sailor puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...

A Marine returns from Africa after Embassy Duty and is feeling very ill. He goes to Sick Call, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious."

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the patient.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."

'A Recruit Goes AWOL'

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull some of my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR!"

Tax Season

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, Sir" , began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."